I would rather have you as my best friend for eternity than to have more and lose you forever.
Tag: #mirror
The Female Makes All The Rules
I recently read a blog about female narcissist. I wish I could remember who wrote it so I could link and give credit. I never knew a women could be one. I thought that only men were the ones with this disorder. I believe I am a very smart person. Still I have to admit I just never knew a woman could be a narcissist. I have read many blogs, written by women, who write about the narcissist husband or boyfriend. Perhaps this is why I never gave any thought on what defines one. After reading the blog about narcissism females, all the signs, everything they do, I decided to research this further. I was surprised to learn that narcissistic personality disorder is not gender specific. That actually shocked me when I put two and two together to discover I was in a long term relationship with one. First and foremost I do not intend on going into details. I believe a relationship is private between two people, no matter how horrible it was for me.
This lead me to remember some things from the past. I recall a friend. My friend was a very attractive woman. We were buddies and knew each other since kindergarten. One day she was telling me about maybe she had an asshole magnet in her pocket. I looked and there was no such device. She went on to say every guy she dated or was interested in turned out to be an asshole. I told her maybe it has a lot to do with where she is finding these men. She went to bars and drank alcohol. This was the source of her dating and I am not saying just because people go to bars and drink makes them bad. I was only telling her maybe to try looking for guys who go to other places may yield a better choice.
Seems I too may be looking in the wrong place. I do not go to bars and drinking is a very, very rare thing for me. I looked in my pocket and there is not a device that attracts narcissistic females. Though I think I may have attracted a couple.
Back in the collage days, I was one of the lucky few who had a job that paid more then 5 times the minimum wage. I lived in a upper class one bedroom apartment. I attended 3 classes before work, worked 8 hours M-F and sometimes a half day on Saturday. I had enough money to live a comfortable lifestyle. I even partied a little back then. I had a friend who lived in the same complex. We met one day when she was having some car trouble. We went to the same university so I gave her a ride that day. On the way to school I gave her a key to one of my other cars so she could make it to work that night. I did repair her car that week-end, and we hung out a good bit after that.
One day the management company left a letter in all our boxes. They were raising the rent from $95 a month to $125. Now that did not bother me financially, but for a collage girl working a part time job at minimum wage that was tough. That week-end my friend and I were hanging out at the pool, with our apartment manager. He was a pretty cool old guy. She was telling him about how she may have to move because she could not get more hours at work, to pay the rent increase. He started telling her that he did have a two bedroom that was opening at the end of the month. The rent was $145 and if she could find a roommate he would transfer her lease. She asked me, hey what about you, you want to be roommates? Now, I had already met my lease and was on a month to month bases. I thought about it few seconds, she did keep a clean place, didn’t drink beer and was an accounting major. I could add an additional $300 a year to my savings account, and she was a girl. Sounds good to me. I told her. So next month we were roomies.
That was perhaps my first experience at being controlled. Not in a really bad way, but financially. It did not take very long before she said I had too many cars, to much credit debt, too much money in savings and not enough invested in stocks and other risk. Lets not forget my roommate was an accounting major! I learned it was easier to live with her if I just listened. One thing I believe I learned early on, you can never read a woman’s mind. She is always right. And she is ready when she says she is ready. I was into a lot of things. I built race cars and engines. Raced moto-cross and had a sponsorship. Toured in the martial arts circuit, played tennis and competed in a few world cups. I was an amateur radio operator (HAM) and was in the cutting edge of technology. One day a fellow HAM who worked for IBM gave me a computer. He was telling me this was the state of the art machine. And one day everyone, every business will use computers… they will change the world!
Now mind you, I was still waiting for that Dick Tracy watch to come out. At that time PONG was the video game and cell phones where the size of a brick, more of a radio than a phone. What my friend wanted me to do with this computer was to figure out how we could send Morse code by typing it out on the keyboard. We had read about how some HAM’s where experimenting with this. So this is how I got started in computing.
One thing about these first computers was it took five 5 1/2 floppy disk to boot them. You turned the machine on, inserted disk one, waited for a while and it said on the black and white screen insert boot disk two. You went through this process until all five disk were loaded and like magic a blinking curser came up on the screen as C:\_ If you wanted to save something you had to insert a blank 5 1/2 disk that held a whopping 1.2MB and save. There was a gigantic 512KB processor, 8MB of memory and no hard disk drive. By todays standards your washer has more computing power. A couple months later I learned I could buy what was known as a HARD DISK DRIVE that plugged into the serial port on the computer. It would allow me to turn on the drive, turn on the computer and it would boot up without using all those floppy disk. It held a tremendous 10 MB ! and cost $1000.
I could afford that. So I bought one.
I could afford that. So I bought one.
Now roommate liked the computer. She was learning how to write stuff with it. She started taking a COBOL class and was experimenting with some accounting stuff. We halved the bills and each did their part in the apartment. There was no romantic involvement with us, we had a good friendship… until I came home one Saturday with that damn $1000 Hard Drive. She hit the roof! Threw a can of soup at me. Kicked a few things around the apartment called me every foul word I never knew existed in her sweet vocabulary. She was all of five feet six inches and weighed in at most 120 lbs. wet. But in those minutes she was larger then the Hulk. She told me I was to take that thing back and get a refund. There is no way you are going to spend that much money. I looked at my hand… Nope, no wedding ring. Looked at hers, nope, no wedding ring. I told her no way. Its my money I can spend it on whatever I want. Okay she said you will regret that. For the next few months she made good on her word. Silent treatment. Leaving stuff laying all over the place. Ignoring me when I talked with her. Eye rolling, the works.
One day my friend came by. He asked me if I would be interested in selling the hard drive. I told him I don’t know, I had all the boot disk on it and a few programs I was working on to get the keyboard to talk with the radio. He said I’ll give you $1,250 for it if you let me have all the data on it too. I could not turn that down, and I could buy an 84MB hard disk drive for that price. Sure, so I sold it to him. Roommate and I were “married” again after he left, when she saw him carry out the drive and the check in my hand for $1,250. All of the sudden we were best friends again as if nothing had ever happened. Funny right?
Moral of the story; I Found The Rules
THE RULES
1.The female always makes the rules.
2.The rules are always subject to change at any time without prior notice.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules.
4.If the female suspects the male knows all the rules she must immediately change all or some of the rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong it is due to misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did.
7.If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize.
8.The female may change her mind at any time.
9.The male must never change his mind.
10.The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12.The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.The male is expected to mind read at all times.
14.The male who doesn’t abide by the rules, can’t take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.
15.Any attempts to document the rules could result in bodily harm.
16.If the female has PMS all the rules are null and void.
17.The female is ready when she is ready.
18.The male must be ready at all times.
THE RULES
1.The female always makes the rules.
2.The rules are always subject to change at any time without prior notice.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules.
4.If the female suspects the male knows all the rules she must immediately change all or some of the rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong it is due to misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did.
7.If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize.
8.The female may change her mind at any time.
9.The male must never change his mind.
10.The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12.The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.The male is expected to mind read at all times.
14.The male who doesn’t abide by the rules, can’t take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.
15.Any attempts to document the rules could result in bodily harm.
16.If the female has PMS all the rules are null and void.
17.The female is ready when she is ready.
18.The male must be ready at all times.
Need I say I never bought that 84MB Hard Drive? Also, my roommate was never anything like the one for certain narcissistic girlfriend. And the other friend I am sure was looking for love in the wrong place. I like peace. I like conversation. I avoid chaos. Maybe that is some of the reasons why I put up with that narcissist. I think it may be harder for a guy to see a female who is narcissist. I believe men are more prone to violent behavior. And I can say
I was never hit or was violence even an issue. But violence is only one of the things this disorder exhibits. Emotional, mental and blame-game abuse are just as hurtful. Still I know my heart is not broken. It is only inaccessible to that person.
I was never hit or was violence even an issue. But violence is only one of the things this disorder exhibits. Emotional, mental and blame-game abuse are just as hurtful. Still I know my heart is not broken. It is only inaccessible to that person.
Some Pictures of old software.
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There Was A Time
There Was A Time
There was time when I dreamed
that was last night
There was I time when I hoped
that was today
There was a time I was in love
that was two years ago
There was a time when I cried
that was last year
There was a time when I wished
that was last week
There was a time when I hurt
that was a month ago
There was a time when I worked
that was always
There was a time when I was lonely
that was recently
There was a time when I wanted
that was now
There was a time when I found you
that was when you find me
Photos and poetry copyright © 1998 and beyond Wade Lancaster
The Truth Is
The Truth Is
The truth is always far more bizarre than science fiction.
Edgar Allan Poe was expelled from West Point in 1831
For You, My Valentine
I found this large stone of Rose Quartz in West Virginia off the Appalachian Trail. It is a symbol for me of my unconditional love.
Rose quartz is often called the “Love Stone.” It’s energetic hallmark is that of unconditional love that opens the heart chakra. This makes rose quartz a stone for every type of love: self-love, family, platonic, romantic, and unconditional. As a variety of quartz, rose quartz has high energy, and this strong energy can enhance love in virtually any situation.
This stone of unconditional love that opens the heart chakra to all forms of love: self-love, family love, platonic love, and romantic love. The high energy of quartz gives rose quartz the property of enhancing love in virtually any situation. Bringing love in to life and daily situations not only brings inner warmth, but it also lowers stress and soothes those around it. Rose quartz is a very happy and loving stone.
I Am Because Of You
[this post was a draft about a year ago. it is a completely random mix of something past]
Thoughts from the vine in a web spun chaos of crafty imagination
I wish to thank all those people who came in my life to teach me that I needed to change. I wish to thank all those closed minded people who completely misunderstood my unique personality because you all unknowingly helped me to become more determined to maintain my uniqueness. I thank the people who misused me, the ones who gossiped about me, and the ones who back stabbed me because you all were my wake up call to a better version of me. I thank all those who broke my heart because they thought that I was a simple, stupid and vulnerable man. It was because of you all that I learned that there comes a time in life when you have to stop putting the reins of your heart into the hands of women who can intimidate you. I thank you all because you transformed me into a man who can stand tall and survive on his own terms without being victimized. Thank you all for giving me my wings. I feel like a butterfly out of a cocoon.
The laws of nature can never be broken. It is the human emotions, the human experience, that dictates what is broken.
Don’t look for perfections’ when you fall in love. Fall in love when you are ready to embrace flaws and imperfections. Fall in love when you are ready to be vulnerable. Fall in love when you are ready to sacrifice, when you are ready to share all your passions and dreams. Fall in love when you are ready to give your all. ~ Aarti Khurana
You may never find your way… But please do not deny me the chance to find mine.
Trust can never be obtained when one continues with lies.
The beast that lives inside of everyone must be shackled and chained. Let not hate be the beast that dwells outside.
Our goal is to swim in the sea of tranquility. Whenever we feel ourselves drowning in the sea of disparity… Perhaps the best way is to stand on each others shoulder’s not on each others toes.
Are you guilty of clicking on something without reading it? You know that terms of use or agreement you just scroll down to the bottom and click “I Accept” on websites or software? We are all guilty of the click, click, click syndrome, right? Did you know by law, international law that electronic agreement is binding and can be enforced? You may want to actually read every word of any electronic agreement before clicking I Accept. Here’s something I did once a long time ago just to see if anyone was really reading it.
I had a Microsoft user license for 1000 copies of the MS Games Action Pack. It had 15 games like Tetris, Cards, Tiles and Ski-free. In order to download and install the game pack a user had to agree to the MS terms of use and a per-user license agreement by the owner which was me. This download was a custom created software installation that would install the games in a folder for Windows 3.1, 95 and 98 automatically. All someone had to do was to download the MSI or EXE file, click it and agree to the terms of use which as we all know was a very long read. Once the user clicked on “I Agree” the software would be automatically installed and open up saying it was complete. There was nothing wrong with the file, no virus, or anything that harmed a PC or tracked the user. The person could play freely all the games with an unlimited use or time. What was different was in the user agreement, that by law was legal and binding. I did nothing wrong I only wanted to see if 1000 people would click and agree. Here is what I added in the middle of the software license agreement;
By clicking on I ACCEPT to this legally binding agreement according to the laws of California, Washington State, United States law where permitted and international law where applicable you agree to the following terms. If you do not agree do not install this software because by doing so you agree to these terms. If you do not agree you must delete all copies of this software from the computer hard disc drive, floppy disk or any other storage media. If you question this agreement you can send and e-mail to {suppressed} by clicking here and the subject line will be formatted for you. Type in your response and reason for not accepting this agreement in full or if you only accept some of the terms for use. You still must accept Microsoft Terms of Use by clicking here which is part of this download because MS is the owner of the software. A new terms of use file will open which supersedes this agreement. By continuing you agree to the following; 1.) You agree to give me use of your timeshare for one week next year for my sole and exclusive use. 2.) You agree to have your husband (if a married female) wash my car and cut my grass for a period of one week each year for 2 years. OR if a married male to have your wife live with me for two weeks every year (at your expense) for the next 2 years, not for the purpose of sex or favors but as a companion only. If wife has a problem with this agreement you agree to buy her $20,000 worth of jewelry over the next 5 years, to be available for her at all times to listen to anything she has to say and to give her back and shoulder rubs, foot massage or perform anything she desires at any time. If you as husband fail to do everything wife wants per this agreement you agree to pay me $100,000 of which I will personally buy wife $25,000 worth of jewelry and spend the remaining $75,000 on an attorney who will make your life a living hell until you do exactly as wife says. 3.) You agree to lend my your car for 30 days out of the year and to maintain car in good mechanical shape and provide gasoline. 4.) You agree to, I can at anytime over the next 5 years decide what I want to add to this agreement without further notice to you. I only need to notify you of what I want and you must agree.
Of the 999 people who downloaded and installed this software only one person did not agree. This is the e-mail sent to the mailbox in the link;
Subject: I DO NOT AGREE
Dear Wade,
My name is Julia (removed) and I really want to use this software. I live in the state of California and I am a married female. I did some checking and you’re right this agreement is binding in California. I need these games because my husband is never home and this would help me to pass the time. He is cheating on me but California is a no fault divorce state. I want to amend your agreement, with your permission please. Can I send you my husband for 6 months instead of two weeks for the next five years. Also, if you would be so kind, can you offer one more download for my husband, please. He never reads anything. On our recent anniversary I gave him a card. In it I wrote I know you are cheating on me with a woman from Armenia. I found her letters in your briefcase. I also hired a PI and have pictures of you two together. I also learned you are taking language lessons learning to speak Armenian. We need to talk. Love, Julia. He opened the letter and pretended to read it, because all he said was how sweet. Thanks for the thoughtful card. He got me nothing for that special day. He says he wants to also download this game but the website says all copies have been used and no other are available for download. He says he wants to play Tetris. Which I find funny because he could just buy it. Once he has installed the game pack I will print a copy of the terms for him to see. I really want the jewelry and to have him pay more attention to my wants and needs. Its possible he may send me to you, so I just want you to be ready for one of us to arrive soon. I am a very attractive and fit woman. But my husband has told me I am only a trophy wife. He is very wealthy and will most likely just throw money at this agreement. You could profit by amending item 4 for a large sum of money. We have several time shares. (she listed them here but I removed) We have (list of cars, removed) let me know which one and I’ll have it shipped to you. I will put a credit card in the glove box for gasoline and repairs. My husband and I are very stubborn. If we both choose to invoke our rights under this agreement would you please not let us be with you at the same time? This would be very much appreciated because I could not stand the thought of being with his lying cheating ass in the same place. You seem like a thoughtful and sweet man. Mostly because you gave a wife so much leverage when you made this agreement. Or you are a woman? Either way I look forward to hearing from you soon. Please reply. Best Regards, Julia (removed) (address removed) (phone number removed) (email removed)
Did you just click on my post or did you really read it?
There Is No Poetry In Your Soul The Soul Is In Your Poetry
An Ancient Time Machine
There Is No Poetry In Your Soul – The Soul Is In Your Poetry
true beauty rises from pain
love lives in every cell of my body
and my soul is filled
with passionate desires
and romantic dreams
which thirst for their speedy realization
i feel so terrible being lonely
because like a flower needs sun and water
i need care and love
my greatest dream
to find my soul mate
my true love
our destiny
and my heart tells me
that i am going to find her
and she is going to find me
then we shall fulfill
what was written in the book
the book of life
our life
a story everlasting
the only thing missing
we never had the chance
to tell our genuine feelings
for each other
that will be the chapter we write
together
because life is so short
and we do not have forever
when forever is a matter of time
in every version of the future
i must die
in every version of the past
i lived
in the present
i love
you
Audio Candy
Audioslave – Yesterday To Tomorrow
Collective Soul – Bleed
There is no poetry in your soul. The soul is in your poetry.
Silver and Sand Flowing In Our Hourglass – From Broken Mirrors
The most powerful magic in the world… True love. And I only have enough left for a rainy day. I’m a fan of true love. And more importantly, what it creates – Rumpelstiltskin
So Close Yet So Far
All that matters is how we feel about each other.
When there is so much uncertainty.
In time we will know everything about each other.
In time we will share everything.
Because it may not matter.
What matters is how we feel about each other.
That is where we are at.
And it may come quickly.
We may fall in love.
When we share our secrets.
Where we tell our past.
How we swear that knowing everything
about one another could protect us
from future troubles
We will share every moment together.
This life
Your life
My life
Our life
This wonderful life
Began when we had no secrets
When we tell no lies
And sometimes we will feel afraid
And that is okay
Because life is full of uncertainty
That’s why we love
To face it together
With someone.
You and me
Together
Everyone deserves to find happiness
As do I
Can we?
What Good Is
Once you command your own sea you command everything.
What Good Is
What good is speech
When you are not heard
What good is hearing
When you can not listen
What good is thinking
When you have no thought
What good is seeing
When there is darkness
What good is feeling
When you feel nothing
What good is hope
When you are hopeless
What good is peace
When there is none
What good is life
When you can not live
What good is caring
When you can not care
What good is dreaming
When you have no dreams
What good is good
When you are not
What good is…
Good is the state of mind where you have absolute belief in yourself.
The most powerful things are buried deep inside us. The only way we can accept them is to let go.
Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. ~ Andre Gide
Dive Into My Mind – Swimming In Thoughts
This post is a combination of feelings, thoughts, emotion and some poetic rendering. What the heck… it’s complicated.
Remembering being mortal.
I remember. I do not feel it. I can, if I choose. It is very, very sad bring mortal. There is happiness, yes. But mostly sadness. As I have said, “Count only the happy hours”. For mortals, they are all to few. But for me — there is no more feeling. Only knowing. Not quite no more feeling. I still want to win. I want to defeat evil. Perhaps I have lost the feeling for the people, for their suffering. I don’t want that feeling. It is of no use to me. That is no longer what matters to me. I only want not to lose true love. To lose true love would be very, very bitter.
If you could dive inside my mind, like a raindrop into an eternal sea, we would become one.
In as much if I could seep into your thoughts we will be one conscience, the sum of our best.
I am many things to myself. Yet through discovery I am many things for you.
Humanly we are individuals in a collective soul of existence.
Personally I am myself, a gift in the present for your day.
Seek what you have never discovered. Climbing our mountain gives a beautiful view.
Birds of a feather may flock together but in the quill of wings fly beyond with me.
Wisdom of air will not speak against true love. It always encourages and never destroys.
Will you led me like a horse to water, drinking the blood from my broken heart.
Vixens are common like trolls under the bridge of troubled water.
In the river of doubt one will never know where it may lead.
A person of class is a class act never a class clown or royal ass.
In this mirror I can see all the things going on around us. How sad the view can be.
Still dinner with the ex breaks the trust of an already weakened soul.
So much is best in us because it bound us to family and strengthens our loyalty.
Treasure each moment and love with all your heart because we do have a choice.
A true warrior inspires others to explore peace. A king rules with love not iron.
There are no demons, we create them. In as much we create our own worst enemy.
The voice communicates desire. It’s what makes talking so much more exciting than texting.
As human beings we must think very clearly, deeply, in how we treat each other.
How interesting the tweets of peeps who write about topics they never intend to seek.
There has never been a time when I’ve had nothing because in you I have everything.
If you would come very, very close to my emotions.. you would understand my feelings.
Though you cannot see what I am feeling you can listen to my song, a heartbeat of two.
It is not one plus one equals two, but two are the sum of one.
It’s not how you stand by your man it is about standing with him… not against.
Choosing to be a part of my history closes the book about our destiny.
Sand superheated with seaweed provide a fine surface for silver on glass.
And looking into the mirror… as the story unfolds…
Love our relationship fore time is not slow.
Sometimes I keep my feelings to myself.
Because it’s hard for someone else..
To understand them..
FISH IN THE SEA
Stinking fish, you chose two, over me.
The one you caught, did not get away.
Discarded, on the bank,
like garbage to thee.
Left to die, a painful death indeed.
No air from the waters of love.
Nothing to swim about within.
Flopping around, unwanted,
Taken for granted,
Only slow and painful a death,
Given to me.
Two cast, is all it took,
For this fish to see.
I am nothing,
In your sea.
Hate of hates.
Pain of pains.
Hurt of hurts.
In a virtual sea,
I am no one,
I am discarded,
Dead, as all can see,
Completely out…
Of your virtual sea.
I am not saying to walk away from the person. My gosh they are a human being. I know well, all to well, how someone I love lashes out at me. It hurts! It becomes harder every time to endure the pain, abuse… to absorb. Yes it is their battle. Be there for them. Yet, pray the person will honor and understand that you too are human, and can only absorb so much.
How much more can emotions endure, the mind absorb, and the heart break.
What are the limits that true love make
Patience and heartache a toxic waste
Hourglass and hands moving snail pace
Three steps forward nine steps back
Prime number fantasy, two became one
Divided by the virtual, destroying the sum.
An after reading mint in audio
Castle Walls ~ Styx – The Grand Illusion
images and audio in public domain
